The Shower Affair

elephant_showerThis is my 100th blog post. And like any every other important milestone in my life (30th birthday, fifth annual Christmas party, ten-year anniversary reunion of the cast of Friends), I’ve been preparing for this moment for an absurd amount of time – say, since around post 11. What day should I post? What will I wear? What topic will best mark the occasion?

After the seemingly inexhaustible list of possibilities finally became exhausting, I settled on today, yoga pants and a tank top, and a topic that has recently become the second place holder on my pet peeve list – The Shower Affair, (first place is when someone ends a sentence with “so…” and expects me to do the rest of the work).

Humans today are in a serious relationship with the Shower, but the romance started out rocky. Back in our caveman days, whenever we were feeling particularly dirty, we’d take a quick dip in whatever pool of water was closest then wouldn’t return for months. As we evolved to stay in one place, the Shower suddenly became more attractive. We started courting the Shower and spending more time together – it even got its own space on the bedside table for a casual morning rinse. As the years passed the relationship improved, suddenly we needed the Shower daily – sometimes more than once – and eventually we succumbed, we committed, we let the Shower move in and gave it a whole room of its own. What was once a quick dunk in the “crick” or swish in the wash basin has become a twice-daily date with our most frequented spot in the house.

Today, our love for the Shower is borderline co-dependent. We buy it nice things, we dress it up, when we’ve had a rough day it’s the first place we turn – but we get mighty perturbed when we slip in for a visit and notice the knob is a few degrees to the right, or a stranger’s hair is in the drain. And apparently, it doesn’t like it when we stray either.

I was just in Arizona visiting my mom for the weekend and got to try out her fancy newly renovated guest shower. Mom, as any good hostess would, offered to give me a tour. The one handle looked simple enough, so I passed on the Handle Turning 101 class and happily hopped inside with my Pantene. Four frustrating minutes later I was yelling for my mommy to help me get the water hot. How is it that after a lifetime of showers (12,000ish for me – whip out your calculator if you must), we still need an instruction manual every time we step in a foreign bathtub? Eventually I enjoyed it, but it came with a price. It was like bad karma for cheating on the loyal shower waiting for me at home.

The Shower Affair can’t be avoided. Whether on a business trip, vacation, or visiting a friend’s home, we always experience that moment of dread when we step into an unfamiliar shower. Will we find one handle? Two knobs? Two knobs and a pully thing? One knob and a dial? Two shower heads and one knob? Will we be forced to suffer a freezing head dip in the tub because the pully thing defies logic and doesn’t actually operate the shower head? Will we be on the phone with the Hyatt night operator begging for shower assistance with suds in our hair?

So Kohler, Delta, Moen, other shower-makers of the world – please oh please get together with whoever makes those awesome Japanese toilets with all the buttons on the side and do something about this conundrum. In the meantime, I’ll accept the Handle Turning 101 class when offered, and know that I have a really good thing waiting for me when I get home.

Anyone else ever get burned by shower disloyalty?

About WhiteElephantInTheRoom

I'm an 80s music lover, traveling junkie, mac & cheese connoisseur, amateur wine snob, party-planning priestess and Chicago transplant living in Southern California. I find adventure in the everyday and have a unending compulsion to write about it. Hope you enjoy reading my mind!
This entry was posted in Humor, Life Lessons, Love, Travel and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to The Shower Affair

  1. Akshita says:

    We also consider the Shower as a muse, when it helps us in getting creative ideas!

    Loved your post; it’s hilarious! Congratulations on your 100th!

  2. Back in my college days, I would be taking a shower and someone would flush the toilet and the cold water would leave the shower. That was very very hot shower. I even left notes to not flush when someone was taking a shower. That is the only time I can remember having to much hot temperature water.

  3. mathews9977 says:

    When I stay at a hotel, I try to figure out how the shower works before I go to bed. That’s not a challenge for early in the morning. And oh so often, throughout my trip, I count down the days when I can return to my very own wonderful shower waiting for me at home.
    Happy 100th!

  4. nathanjedi says:

    In the modern world, even the simplicity of the shower cannot exist. More buttons! More options! More confusion!

    Congrats on number 100!

  5. misskayes says:

    Congrats White elephant for 100! It’s always a pleasure to read your posts. Amusing as always.
    As for the shower affair, once this new and fancy shower at my friend’s place (much fancier than the old fashioned shower at home) just ruthlessly burned me in the first minute. Being a 15 year old back then, I was too embarrassed to ask my friend how to operate it. I somehow managed to come out alive, spending most of my time trying to reduce the temp.

  6. tiredella says:

    This is great! I’ve often thought about the whole Shower thing, mainly because I don’t enjoy showering. Of course, I take them daily and yadda yadda yadda, but I don’t like it at all.

  7. I stayed at a friend’s home years ago. He was kind enough to give me some simple instructions in how to use his shower. He had one of those varieties with multiple shower heads on the ceiling, and at least two of the walls. As much as I wouldn’t have wanted my home shower to know, I had always fantasized about showering in one of those. As it turned out, the multiple directions of water made it tricky to get soaped up, since you couldn’t really turn away from the water flow without turning into another stream from somewhere else. Also, even though it had 20 shower heads, it only had one drain. Within five minutes, the water was up to my ankles and rising fast. I freaked out that I would surely flood his house and become “that friend”. I shut it off and got out as quickly as possible.
    Congrats on number 100. Can’t wait for number 101.
    PS – I never told my home shower about this, so could we keep this between you, me and the blogging public?

  8. I had a similar experience with my friend’s shower in high school. No matter how many times I spent the night and showered in the morning, I always forgot how to work the darn thing. There’s this weird lever that’s attached to the bath faucet, and you have to pull it down to switch the water flow to the shower head.

    I hated that thing.

  9. PinotNinja says:

    I just had a shower affair gone horribly bad this past weekend! I was staying with a friend, who I hadn’t seen in years, as well as her husband and baby, and, after we had all gone for a hike, I had bounded into their lovely guest bath to take a much needed shower. When I say much needed, I mean totally non-optional because I stank and had managed to get mud all over my hair (I wish that I could somehow blame that on the baby, but it was all my own fault).

    Once in there, I could not figure out how to make the hot water come out. I tried one knob. I tried the other. And, no mater what I did the water kept on getting colder. But, they were with the new baby and I didn’t want to disturb them. And I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t work the shower.

    So I attempted to take a freezing cold shower. I managed to get in and shampooed up, but then I couldn’t take it anymore. I was shaking violently and whimpering. I had no choice but to turn off the shower, totter downstairs wrapped in a towel with a sudsy head, and ask the husband to help me. He turned the right knob — which I swear that I totally turned — and instantly the room was filled up with steam.

    I will never live that moment down.

    • That is my shower nightmare. I had a similar experience in a Swiss hostel where we were hiking all day and a shower was simply mandatory afterwards. Only after taking the horrifically cold shower did I notice there was a coin slot to “upgrade” to warm water.

  10. I love when I go to a hotel and the shower head sprays with the perfect temperature and heat. I also love when I come home to my familiar shower. Wonderful and un post. : )

  11. Kara d. says:

    I lived in Turkey for a year with a Turkish family, there were no problems then, but when I went back to visit 2 years later they had moved. I went to take a shower and no matter what I did could not get hot water to come out. When I went out to ask for help it turns out they turn off the bathroom hot water for the summer! I had to settle for a cold shower, and even though it was smoking hot out my head was aching from cold by the time I got my hair rinsed. I love my own shower, hot water whenever I want!

  12. Water pressure….it always comes back to water pressure. If I have to run around in the shower to even get wet it’s not even a shower worth calling a shower.

  13. Asenath says:

    OMG! Inspiring and Super Fun! not just the plain and simple truth that goes along with the multitude of crazy thoughts, the whole “Stream” of them.

    • Asenath says:

      Oh, and as for the burned… Or froze… I was thinking camping and the silliness that comes along with getting disgustingly gross, then showering just to get dirty again. Boy does it feel uh-mazing for 10 minutes afterward. 🙂

  14. Paws says:

    My usual technique when encountering a strange shower is to try and send my partner in to shower first. That way they work out the controls and if I time it right I can even get in without them turning it off.
    If on my own, I study it carefully and attempt to start it from outside until I’ve discovered its quirks!

  15. These are strong feelings towards a shower mate, maybe chill out, take a cold one aye? 🙂

  16. Beth, just reading this now (Jean tweeted it). Such a nice read! Very witty – love it! Even when I travel to really nice hotels and they have fabulous showers, I still always cannot wait to get back to my own, pretty dinky and out of date, shower at home to truly feel clean again!

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  18. Haha this is so true! Love your writing style 🙂 would you be able to take a look at my blog please? I’m pretty new to wordpress and would love to hear any feedback you may have! Thanks, Liv x

  19. Baldeep Kaur says:

    I love your writing style. It has that subtle humor that makes it very amusing to read.

    Congratulation on your 100th post.

  20. Dee says:

    This post is so entertaining! I’m in love with my shower, and no other ever matches how amazing it is.

  21. Pingback: The Vacation Roller Coaster | White Elephant in the Room

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