By this time of year Santa’s checked his list at least twice, so this leaves us all about a week to cram in as much naughty as possible while the man with all the toys is distracted by elf antics and reindeer games.
Some of us will get in our naughty by eating more cookie dough than we bake and others may prefer naughtiness of the too-much-brandy-at-the-office-holiday-party variety; but if you’re looking for naughtiness with more mass-appeal, I highly recommend gift-snooping naughtiness.
You’ve shopped, you’ve bought, and you’ve endured wrapping-induced injuries ranging from minor paper cuts to major hair-stuck-in-tape rips. It’s simply fair that you get to indulge in a fleeting moment of what’s-in-it-for-me. Depending on both your level of experience and your tolerance for coal, one of these styles will be just the right way for you to do wrong:
The Eavesdropper: If it’s your first foray into being naughty, start small. Crawl down the hall in your feety pajamas and stick your head through the banister rails while Mom and Dad peruse the Sears Wishbook.
The Peeker: Whether you cast a sideways glance at the register or do a quick rifle through the hall closet, it’s imperative that Peekers see the gifts before the big red bow is tied. Peeling back the tape later is much too risky.
The Guesser: You can size up any package with your name on it with both hands tied behind your back. Anything from the shape of the box to the placement under the tree to the slight slump of the gift bag adds to the myriad of clues teeming in a Guesser’s mind. The only way to defend a gift against a Guesser like you is to slap someone else’s name on the package. But you wouldn’t fall for this would you?
The Shaker: The Shaker is a Guesser who doesn’t apply himself. You’re better than that.
The Peeler: Why risk all that loud shaking when you can sneak down the stairs in the dead of night and slowly slide the tape away from the silver foil? The only known enemy of the Peeler is cheap wrapping paper. This is not a rookie move.
The Ripper: This breed is the boldest and most impatient of all gift-previewers. You need the rush that only freshly slashed packages can bring. Experienced and determined Rippers will painstakingly rewrap gifts, but the more brazen and lazy will simply blame the remnants on a beloved pet or goody-two-shoes sibling.
And if you’re one of those people who actually likes surprises, then revert back to my earlier suggestions of too much cookie dough and brandy. Santa will understand.
What variety of gift-snooping is your naughtiness of choice?