10 Steps to Crafting Your New Year’s Resolutions

elephant_nyeThe toasts have been toasted, the kisses have been kissed, and it’s officially a new year. This is going to be your year – because you’re going to resolve it. And 365 days from now you’re going to be your skinniest, smartest, richest, happiest, prettiest most perfect self. Here’s how:

Step 1: Dig up last year’s resolution list, change the date at the top, then select File> Save As. You should probably just try all those again anyways.

Step 2: Pull up a Thesaurus and find a couple good words for “don’t.” “No,” “stop,” “never,” “give up,” “won’t,” “can’t,” and “valiantly attempt to not” are all good choices.

Step 3: Start your list by selecting two to three marvelous vices to completely abstain from. Drinking, shoe shopping and eating anything “au gratin” should be considered.

Step 4: Replace a few things your 2012-self loved with a few things you know your perfect 2013-self will love. Examples: Pour marinara sauce over kale instead of spaghetti. Read Poe instead of People. Work out instead of not.

Step 5: Toss in a couple bucket list items you’re feeling particularly jazzed about. This is probably a great year to climb Mount Everest.

Step 6: Add something that requires a lot of expensive gear and/or fun gadgets. If you’re going to start saving money by biking to work, you’ll need a new wardrobe, a GPS-enabled watch, special sunglasses, a rad bell, a nifty basket, and a bike.

Step 7: Acquire a new talent. Disc-golf, needlepoint, and the dialects of Southeast Asia are just waiting to be tamed by you.

Step 8: Pick one thing that you will do every-day-forever-no-matter-what. Anything from going for a five mile run to doing a thousand sit ups before bed is reasonable – both is better.

Step 9: Remember it’s not all about you. Don’t forget to save the earth, buy local, volunteer, solve for world peace, and be nicer to your significant other.

Step 10: Pepper in disclaimers to save yourself from another year of failure. Sure you’ll completely give up cake – except for at birthdays, weddings, or when it’s cup-sized. Maybe you won’t “complete” an Iron Man, but you can certainly “register for” one.

By now, your list should look equal parts unreasonable, unattainable, and undesirable, but you’re on your way to perfection. Now off to the gym so you can earn your cupcake.

Me, I’m not much of a perfectionist. Here’s my list of resolutions:

  1. Talk to people in elevators
  2. Write 100 new blog posts
  3. Actually make banana bread when I have old bananas and someone says “you could make banana bread”
  4. Run ten miles a week – unless I don’t feel like it

What have you resolved this year?

Related posts: Starting Monday, Unfinished Business: Resolutions of Yore

About WhiteElephantInTheRoom

I'm an 80s music lover, traveling junkie, mac & cheese connoisseur, amateur wine snob, party-planning priestess and Chicago transplant living in Southern California. I find adventure in the everyday and have a unending compulsion to write about it. Hope you enjoy reading my mind!
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11 Responses to 10 Steps to Crafting Your New Year’s Resolutions

  1. addercatter says:

    I resolved to write/blog every single day and ummmm… yeah, that’s about it lol. Kat

  2. Amy says:

    Love this advice! Okay, I would like to incorporate running 10 miles a week in my list as well; and I would also like to increase my intake of vegetables, and decrease my intake of cookies.

  3. MaximumWage says:

    Marinara over kale sounds absolutely disgusting. I do intend to pick up a new talent, called dumpster diving for recyclables to trade in for money.

  4. Zhanne says:

    Love #6… new hobby. My new motorcycle habit is just like that!! New gear, helmet, garage door fob, heated clothing, goggles… etc etc etc. But it’s fun! O yea and my NYR is to bump up my current income stream. 😀

  5. darylmcshane says:

    I have planned an early mid-life crisis; it is my intention to have it planned and prepared so no bombshell causes injury. The shrapnel that will shoot out will be journaled in blogs. I am unsullied in this arena but plan to soil myself in a literay manner. If we meet in an elevator I am not confident I will be tickled pink should you commit to talk me…unless bananna bread is on offer.
    Offers would include:
    54% off
    Buy one get one free or BOGOF
    ‘Would you care for a slice of delicious bread made from stale bananas in return for conversation?’

  6. Dave says:

    Absolutely loved this.

  7. Cherish says:

    This is a great post 🙂

  8. Thanks for the grins.

  9. marie wikle says:

    This is too cute! i realize it was for 2013 but – it still applies! I love the fun, not so serious look on resolutions!

    thanks for the Smile!

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