The toasts have been toasted, the kisses have been kissed, and it’s officially a new year. This is going to be your year – because you’re going to resolve it. And 365 days from now you’re going to be your skinniest, smartest, richest, happiest, prettiest most perfect self. Here’s how:
Step 1: Dig up last year’s resolution list, change the date at the top, then select File> Save As. You should probably just try all those again anyways.
Step 2: Pull up a Thesaurus and find a couple good words for “don’t.” “No,” “stop,” “never,” “give up,” “won’t,” “can’t,” and “valiantly attempt to not” are all good choices.
Step 3: Start your list by selecting two to three marvelous vices to completely abstain from. Drinking, shoe shopping and eating anything “au gratin” should be considered.
Step 4: Replace a few things your 2012-self loved with a few things you know your perfect 2013-self will love. Examples: Pour marinara sauce over kale instead of spaghetti. Read Poe instead of People. Work out instead of not.
Step 5: Toss in a couple bucket list items you’re feeling particularly jazzed about. This is probably a great year to climb Mount Everest.
Step 6: Add something that requires a lot of expensive gear and/or fun gadgets. If you’re going to start saving money by biking to work, you’ll need a new wardrobe, a GPS-enabled watch, special sunglasses, a rad bell, a nifty basket, and a bike.
Step 7: Acquire a new talent. Disc-golf, needlepoint, and the dialects of Southeast Asia are just waiting to be tamed by you.
Step 8: Pick one thing that you will do every-day-forever-no-matter-what. Anything from going for a five mile run to doing a thousand sit ups before bed is reasonable – both is better.
Step 9: Remember it’s not all about you. Don’t forget to save the earth, buy local, volunteer, solve for world peace, and be nicer to your significant other.
Step 10: Pepper in disclaimers to save yourself from another year of failure. Sure you’ll completely give up cake – except for at birthdays, weddings, or when it’s cup-sized. Maybe you won’t “complete” an Iron Man, but you can certainly “register for” one.
By now, your list should look equal parts unreasonable, unattainable, and undesirable, but you’re on your way to perfection. Now off to the gym so you can earn your cupcake.
Me, I’m not much of a perfectionist. Here’s my list of resolutions:
- Talk to people in elevators
- Write 100 new blog posts
- Actually make banana bread when I have old bananas and someone says “you could make banana bread”
- Run ten miles a week – unless I don’t feel like it
What have you resolved this year?