Bananas Won’t Make You Fat – And Nine Other Secrets to Life

I adore a good epiphany – when you’re plodding through life, doing something completely innocuous, then suddenly a moment captures your attention and a tiny little metaphorical light bulb begins blazing in your head. Once the buzz subsides, you are left with a little nugget of perfect knowledge that you either want to shout from the rooftops or squirrel away for safekeeping.

For me, these epiphanies present themselves in all forms – some are products I’ll never be the same without, some are words of wisdom, and some are just common sense. But I’ve been collecting epiphanies for thirty years, and I’ve decided it’s time to stop hoarding:

Secret 1: Chocolate and fruity sweets should not be permitted to mingle in the same candy dish.

Secret 2: Kill them with kindness. In college when I was living in Paris and mad at my boyfriend because he wouldn’t visit me, my mom told me to send him a care package. I tried to explain that this would really undermine the “you suck” message I was trying to send, but by the time all the French chocolates and souvenirs were popped in la poste the resentment had morphed into joy. These days, if you’d like to ruin my day there’s probably a bottle of wine in it for you.

Secret 3: Keep a pen, safety-pin, lip balm, and a twenty dollar bill in every purse, junk drawer, suit case, briefcase, and glove compartment.

Secret 4: Use Cascade Complete. I admit I’m more likely to be “green” when there’s something in it for me. So when I got a sample of these little detergent pellets with the challenge from P&G to not wash my dishes before washing my dishes I was elated. I haven’t rinsed a single dish or soaked a crusty casserole pan in almost a year. The best part? You can wait days before running the dishwasher – oh yes and you save oceans of water.

Secret 5: You can’t afford not to go to the dentist.

Secret 6: Know how to cheer yourself up. It’s unacceptably annoying when other people can’t read your mind and just “fix it” for you; so grab yourself a glass of wine, send yourself flowers, dance around naked to George Michael – or whatever it is you need to do – and let your loved ones off the hook for your happiness.

Secret 7: Invest in a heart rate monitor. That really high calorie burn on the treadmill is just trying to flatter you.

Secret 8: Nobody ever got fat from eating too many bananas. My gym likes to post motivational messages throughout the locker room to ensure you aren’t chasing your elliptical session with a Snickers bar. One recently explained that you would need to run a mile to negate the calories in a banana. I tore it town.

Secret 9: If you were supposed to answer the phone every time it rang, they wouldn’t have invented voicemail.

Secret 10: Understand sunk costs. Dear parents at Disneyland, if you’re getting cranky and your kids are tired, please just take them home and stop making them have fun. Your money isn’t prorated but your sanity is. This also applies to walking out of crappy movies, not finishing a meal at a restaurant, and throwing away those expensive shoes that make you bleed.

I showed you mine now you show me yours. What are your best life secrets?

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About WhiteElephantInTheRoom

I'm an 80s music lover, traveling junkie, mac & cheese connoisseur, amateur wine snob, party-planning priestess and Chicago transplant living in Southern California. I find adventure in the everyday and have a unending compulsion to write about it. Hope you enjoy reading my mind!
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41 Responses to Bananas Won’t Make You Fat – And Nine Other Secrets to Life

  1. nancyfrancis says:

    You mean that calorie burn is a LIE – evil geniuses.

    I don’t know if I’ve actually accumulated any life secrets – either than how to use clear nail polish to save both stockings and costume jewellery – but I do know its important to just nurture your crazy, its a part of you so embrace it 🙂

  2. torijohnson5 says:

    I love all of these secrets to life! You have wonderful insight!

  3. gojulesgo says:

    I kind of want to go to your house and piss you off now. Apparently a lot of $20 bills and wine are in it for me. But first I’d better get to the dentist.

    Love this! Especially the ones about letting others off the hook for your unhappiness, and walking out of a crappy movie. I had a similar epiphany in my early 20s about reading books. I had stopped reading because I had forced myself to read what I was ‘supposed’ to, and to finish every book I started.

  4. notquiteold says:

    This is fabulous! I agree with them all.
    Here’s one from me: Don’t waste calories on cheap sweets. If you are going to indulge, buy GREAT chocolate.

  5. No really, it doesn’t matter what other people think. It only matters what you think. Sounds so simple but I have found it difficult to embrace. But I am getting over that.
    Also,
    Spend a few moments each day focusing 100% of your energy on each person in your family. Put down your phone, stop cleaning or doing laundry or writing another blog entry and just give that person a bit of yourself. It makes a big difference and costs you very little.
    Also, you never regret getting exercise, but you often regret not getting exercise…so just do it.
    Thanks for these, its fun!

  6. Haycomet says:

    Eating snack food for dinner is completely okay… Now and then. Doing so can actually turn a crappy day into a tolerable one. Throw in a glass of wine or a beer for good measure.

  7. Loving your post – thanks for sharing! Secret #1 Popcorn or Breakfast for Dinner is always a good choice. Secret #2 Watch Out for those Fabric Softener Sheets because you may just find one up your dress slacks. Secret #3 Check yourself in the mirror before leaving the restroom because you do not want your skirt stuck in your hose or tp on your heel. Have a Great Day:)

    • #1 is a classic! My friends and I call it “BFD” – so easy to come home from work and throw a killer egg sandwich or omelet together. I also sometimes bring oatmeal with all the fixins and make lunch out of it – aka “BFL”

  8. sharman vanlandinghan says:

    I too, LOVE epiphanies, as you well know from my Fb posts. But here are a couple of quick ones off the top of my head: 1. Downy spray is the best product ever invented, bar none. I haven’t ironed since I discovered it. 2. Baseball games should have half as many innings and there should be half as many games in a season. 3. My student loan and first car purchase were almost the same amount, and were paid in full the same year. The experiences I had in college and the value of my education is exponentially more valuable than any car I will ever buy. (I used this one recently with my niece who is taking a year off from college and is apprehensive about taking out a student loan).

    • As I, too, love not ironing, I’m going to give this spray a go. You do always have the most fabulous epiphanies. One of my favorites was, “if I text you with only a smiley face, I have politely ended the conversation.”

  9. Chrystal says:

    Love this! Mine would have to be “don’t take yourself too seriously”. What a sense of relief I’ve felt since doing this. Oh, I burned the cookies? Who wants OREOS! I fell at the gym? Instead of hopping up with a red face and acting like it never happened, I laid there hysterically laughing. Life is funny – laugh at it. 🙂

  10. From an old bald man’s perspective, I also recommend dancing naked, but make sure the room has no mirrors and no chance of George Michael showing up.

  11. $20 in the glove compartment! I know whose car I’m robbing next time. 🙂 I don’t really have any life secrets. I just bumble along and hope for the best.

  12. Time spent playing with a child is never wasted, Please everyone just put down the cell phones and dig in the dirt!!!

  13. kitchenmudge says:

    Something from my own latest post that might qualify as an “epiphany”:

    Don’t buy the latest & greatest of anything.

    There’s a rule about any number of products — cars, blenders, mowers, dog snuggies — that the best deals are usually available JUST BEFORE the next model comes out. This especially applies to computers and the software that comes loaded on them. It takes any company a few months of feedback from consumers, recalls, and software updates, to work the bugs out. It’s often called “gamma testing” or worse. Only after something has been on the market for a while will there be enough consumer reviews to assure you that it’s worth buying.

  14. Dessert is just as delicious eaten first. No need to follow the standard of eating it last.

  15. unclemoe says:

    When a girl tells you “I showed you mine now you show me yours” you’d better listen.

  16. unclemoe says:

    I’ve only got one…

    When a girl tells you “I showed you mine now you show me yours” you’d better listen.

  17. MaximumWage says:

    Great Blog post. Although I have to admit sometimes sending a nasty gram does feel a little bit better than being nice. 🙂

  18. paywindow7 says:

    I’m not sure I’ve ever had an epiphany. I did develop a curious looking rash a while back, does that count?

      • paywindow7 says:

        Thanks for following my blog. I’ve always enjoyed your posts with the wit and wisdom reaching all horizons.
        My function up to this point has been mainly to be a documentarian but now I’m wanting to also bring what I was feeling at the time into what I write. With that benchmark in mind I’m going to be doing some rewriting of the eight or nine vignettes there now. Yeah I now, I may regret it.
        Anyway thanks again for stopping by.

  19. You are brilliant. Preach. Especially number one.
    Also, I wrote this for you: http://armchairauthor.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/is-that-all-there-is/

  20. Pingback: One Lovely Blog Award « DREAMLIFE MOMENTS

  21. Pingback: A Free Tour of Trader Joe’s | White Elephant in the Room

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