Lazy to the Max

It was only last week when I finally flipped the clock in my car an hour back to align myself with the rest of the country in the fight to save daylight. I believe the call to action for this was circa 2011, but for some reason it seemed much more efficient to do the math each day to ensure I was on time to work, or not late for a doctor’s appointment, or sitting at the wine bar before they stop serving the five dollar cabernet.

My convoluted “inaction” made me realize there’s a form of lazy that far surpasses the standard human-imprint-on-couch variety. It’s the kind where you’d break out the fine china rather than do dishes, microwave a potato to smithereens versus baking it, and otherwise go out of your way to avoid going out of your way. It’s not just plain vanilla lazy, it’s chocolate-covered-razzle-berry-banana-split-sundae lazy; and it’s one of my absolute favorite pastimes. Here are my tried-and-true varieties of extreme lazy:

Lazy Man’s Load: You’ve returned from a full day of shopping and spend thirty-two minutes in front of your trunk contorting yourself into a human camel so as to carry the groceries, garment bags, shoe boxes, and Barbie’s Dream House inside in one trip

Lazy Man’s Dinner: The dishes are dirty and you have no intention of picking up the phone to order out; so you grab a mixing bowl, a wooden spoon, and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Lazy Man’s Laundry: Your folding-aversion leads to clothes lingering for days in the dryer followed by an all-day ironing marathon. Or for the most extreme lazy man… you cut your losses and refresh your wardrobe at Macy’s

Lazy Man’s Work: Your latest assignment is a head-scratcher so you spend three days angling back and forth for an extension before finally succumbing to the hour it takes to complete the whole task

Lazy Man’s Drive: To avoid sitting in traffic you take the one-hour “long cut” home

Lazy Man’s Housework: The kitchen and bathroom need mopping but instead you get on your hands and knees with a box full of Swiffer Wet pads then pop in a new lemon-scented Glade Plug-In

When my extreme lazy side finally made me late for the dentist in November – and then early for a dinner in December – it dawned on me to pencil in a millisecond to hit the giant button on my dashboard and set the time (and world) right. It was at that moment when I experienced the beautiful ah-ha moment you get when you finally – after all the kicking and screaming – get your oil changed, or have your teeth cleaned, or take the Christmas lights off your balcony.

But while time has always proven laziness and procrastination don’t pay off, not much stimlautes the mind more than finding an interesting way to avoid an uninteresting task. What’s your favorite variety of extreme laziness?


About WhiteElephantInTheRoom

I'm an 80s music lover, traveling junkie, mac & cheese connoisseur, amateur wine snob, party-planning priestess and Chicago transplant living in Southern California. I find adventure in the everyday and have a unending compulsion to write about it. Hope you enjoy reading my mind!
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14 Responses to Lazy to the Max

  1. Dor says:

    My extreme form of laziness: Wearing a pedometer and noticing only 34 steps taken by Noon.

  2. Dor says:

    Love your post by the way… great ways to deceive yourself which I may adopt.

    • Dorothy says:

      Sorry to keep coming back like this, but I was just given the Versatile Blogger Award and am passing it forward to you. I think your blog is so exciting and different that I truly look forward to the next and the next post. For details about the award check out my blog post called Promoting Pride in Blogging. Dor

  3. notquiteold says:

    i knew a guy who bought seven pairs of socks every Saturday. (not really sure about the underwear…I could only hope.)

  4. Great Blog! I only change one clock back and forth, but forget which one so I spend too much time going back and forth asking people what time it really is, which ultimately makes me horribly late for everything.

  5. Loving the post. My extreme is sitting on the couch while dusting the coffee table with the sock on my foot – ha!

  6. Felicity Aston says:

    I relate to much more of this post that I care to admit! My laziness…if I’m making a salad and eating it on my own I eat it out of the salad bowl to save more dishes from getting dirty.

  7. Jennifer says:

    Lazy for me is sitting comfortably in my IKEA Poang chair in front of the TV/Wii and thinking, “Hmm, I kind of want to watch [Movie]. Is it available on Nextflix Instant?” ::checks Netflix database:: “Nope, oh well, guess I’m not going to watch that movie then,” WHEN THE ACTUAL, PHYSICAL DVD IS SITTING ONE ROOM AWAY IN MY MEDIA CABINET.

  8. Pingback: Taking the Hard Way Out | Matt Aromando

  9. kitchenmudge says:

    Have you ever eaten hobo-style — not just eating canned stuff, but setting the can right down on the burner and eating out of it?

  10. Always love your entries, but I have been putting off commenting as I have to use a finger to type.

  11. ernestwhile says:

    I can relate to most of these, although I wonder how the Lazy Man’s Laundry ended up in the dryer? Doesn’t everyone just use the Relative Sniff Test and then, I don’t know, take everything to the per-pound laundry guy? You know, once Full On Rank has been achieved.

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