Black Friday is the day average humans all over the country don their snowman sweatshirt armor, wield their coupon-clipping scissors, and man their battle stations outside the local Wal-Mart staring down their enemies as the doors finally open. It takes a certain breed of human to wake up before the rooster crows to save $14.50 on Barbie’s Dream House, but since I intend to be one of them, I’ve decided I have a right to comment on the practice.
If you were to stand on the sidelines as a silent observer (far far away, I recommend), you might believe you were watching a special on the Discovery Channel, as the circle of life is never as evident than whilst watching a stroller mow down a Black Friday newbie. Each species has its own special talents:
The Parker: Silently stalks his prey from the camouflage of a slow-moving minivan, ready to pounce at the first sign of tail lights.
The Newbie: Akin to a deer in headlights, the excited newbie patiently waits, abides by all rules of nature, and never takes the right of way lest he be eaten alive. The newbie eventually gives up and blames the empty stockings on Santa.
The Need-to-Unload-My-Good-Because-My-Hands-Are-Too-Fuller: A cousin of the newbie, this breed makes frequent trips to deposit their findings in their trunks then heads right back into the mall. Beware the Parker, as this behavior often elicits angry honks and hand gestures.
The Stroller: Doesn’t matter which breed it’s attached to, if you come across a Stroller you best step aside or you’ll have wheel marks on your back. Just surrender the Shrek 17 DVD and move on.
The Placeholder: Travel in herds. This species often employs an adorable child to stand in the Disneyesque lines at Best Buy while they grab their karakoe machines and Kinect games. Then just when you’re about to hear “next” from the cashier, they re-enter the line with a breezy “thanks” as if you’re doing them a favor.
The Newspaper Shopper: This is possibly the most dangerous species. They spent the six hours while the turkey was cooking with highlighter and Post-Its in hand, marking up the holiday ads with the aisle numbers and price comparisons of every item on the family’s wish list. They are the sole reason you find no iPads, empty blender shelves, and an unreasonable lack of size seven shoes at Macy’s. You can’t beat them, and it’s too daunting to join them, so it’s best to become a Webber.
The Webber: Sleeps in, shops in pajamas, makes the world a better place.
I’m a Newspaper Shopper that gets fired up at 4:00 AM and gets really sleepy and frustrated by approximately 4:30 AM only to go back home and accept my fate as a Webber. Do you venture out with the rest of the pack on Black Friday? How do you survive?