I Hate Manicures

Getting a manicure is a special kind of torture. You walk inside full of hope as you see happy faces leaning back in their Sharper Image-grade massage lounges. Then you’re forced to sit in a hard chair and strip off your jewelry as a woman in a mask ominously unrolls a case of sterilized tools. She proceeds to grab your fingers and slowly rips out your cuticles one by one before pouring rubbing alcohol over the gaping wounds.

When she’s done with you, you pay her thirty-five dollars and walk out the door admiring your gorgeous nails with their shiny new paint job with some super pun-tastic name like, “I Sup-Posey Pink.” I abhor manicures. I realize that to most women I may as well have just said “I hate puppies,” but over the years I’ve learned that a lot of activities touted for their awesomeness are really just pure evil wrapped in a pretty package.

Sunbathing is another such example. You lay in the sun all day with your arms strategically draped in unnatural positions whilst sweat beads form on your upper lip and five hours later you’re a coconut-basted lobster with an awkward tan-stash. And facials? Holy ouch.

Sure “beauty is pain,” but that rules was meant to apply to stilettos, waxing, and those horrifically brutal seats on spin bikes – not items on a spa menu under the heading “ultimate day of healing”. Why do we do this to ourselves? What makes us think these things constitute any form of R&R? Why do we sit inside a chamber of hot steam cleansing our pores with the salt from our own tears?

I don’t know the answer, but my little spray-tanned self will be painting her own nails from this day forward.

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About WhiteElephantInTheRoom

I'm an 80s music lover, traveling junkie, mac & cheese connoisseur, amateur wine snob, party-planning priestess and Chicago transplant living in Southern California. I find adventure in the everyday and have a unending compulsion to write about it. Hope you enjoy reading my mind!
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29 Responses to I Hate Manicures

  1. bonkasaurus says:

    those spin bike seats are a bitch… it’s like they force you to stand up on the bike.

    -Bianca at http://theinbetweengirls.wordpress.com/

  2. LOL! I’ve never, ever had a manicure. It appears I’m not missing much. My nails break too much; it’d be a waste of money to try!

  3. I’ve had a total of one–for my wedding day, nearly 18 years ago, and only because I thought they were mandatory. I couldn’t see what all the hoopla was about. And now it seems countless young moms are lining up their wee ones for not only manicures but pedicures. Silly me. I just got a bottle of my drugstore polish and painted my young daughter’s nails on the bathroom floor–complete with sippy cup. Trust me, she didn’t care. As for her cuticles? What cuticles? She was three.

    Love your posts! And, Congrats!

    Kaukab’s daughter

  4. totally agree its ritualistic!

  5. mesamendoza says:

    I hate manicures and anything else that would hurt to cause beauty. I get my eyebrows waxed twice a month and I’m a happy girl, and I tan because I’m Mexican and I don’t burn. The rest is just useless.

    LOVE this post, totally cracked me up!

  6. barrovivo says:

    I hear you! I hate manicures and pedicures for sure ( I hate to have my feet touched by a stranger). The worst for me though, is not the manicure itself but the aftermath. You know how the cut your cuticles and then two days after the base of your nails starts to literally peel off? It is so painful! I’ve only had two manicures done in my entire life. I had one for my graduation about 15 years ago and I still remember that pain. The second one I had because a friend of mine thought we could do some significant female bonding at the hairdresser’s. I had my revenge because I talked her into getting her eyebrows waxed! lol

  7. edieut says:

    Love manicures. Love shedding dead skin 🙂 It’s therapeutic

  8. Pingback: Salon Phobia « CAZZY'S PLACE

  9. dearsassy says:

    I love spending $ on a manicure that begins chipping approximately nine minutes after I leave the salon! And I think tanning (whether actual sun involved or otherwise) is an addiction; I love these people who end up looking like dried leather or a carrot – nothing says sexy like outrageously colored flesh.

  10. ayjeebee says:

    …and i hate waxing! Its painful and very ouchy but then you cannot do without it, and anyway the end result is so smooth, you almost forget the hot wax that seemed to burn your skin and the whack of the wax strip that seemed to peel your skin away!

  11. Au Contraire says:

    I’m not a fan of manicures either..but pedicures! I’ve only had one so far but I loved it! I may even go again, as long as I can continue to avoid kicking the poor girl in the head. I think they should have straps to hold us ticklish folk back! 😉

  12. I hate manicures also, but love pedicures- weird I know. But I think the reason is, that as a physician, I cannot wear fake nails, due to bacteria lurking in the nail, and potentially passing it to some patient. And I chip the fingernail polish usually within a day of it being applied. So asking for a manicure either with clear nail polish or none, they usually look at me like I have two heads.

    but pedicures, those I do love. Something about them massaging my feet, and the place I go have nice massage chairs.

  13. Makya McBee says:

    Oh, yeah? Well, imagine how tough beauty regimes are on us guys…it’s…uh…well…okay, you’ve got it worse.

  14. College & Other Pesky Things says:

    Oh, I love them! I actually feel like I have woman-hands when I leave… speaking of which, I need a pedicure on these man-feet…

  15. kamiekirk says:

    I’m rough with my hands, so I don’t bother painting them, let alone pay someone $30 bucks to. I do like having painted toes…but I can do mine better than someone else. 😉

  16. sarahnsh says:

    I work at a Salon/Spa and that is the one service I won’t get from there is any nail service. I had a really bad experience with a pedicure where they went to tear off my cuticles and I bled on both feet. Oh, and I shaved the day before and they didn’t tell me not to and they literally rubbed salt into the wound, ouch! I totally agree, not a fan!

  17. Pingback: The Sweet Agony of the Spa | White Elephant in the Room

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