It’s been almost a year now since I’ve been officially reintroduced to apartment living, and after mourning the loss of three bathrooms, two Christmas trees, and hundreds of trick-or-treaters, I believe this lifestyle is finally starting to grow on me. So to all of you who live or have ever lived in an apartment, here’s what you didn’t know you had:
- The Trash Chute: When you’re lying cozy in your bed at 6am and hear the garbage truck roll by, you can keep snoozing in peace knowing dozens of poor souls in other neighborhoods are rushing to the curb whilst unwittingly covering their bunny slippers in last night’s spaghetti sauce.
- The Soundtrack: Your music collection multiplies exponentially in correlation to the number of neighbors who share your walls. The other night I experienced an inspired mash up of Black Eyed Peas and Luther Vandross. One of them was mine and I’m not saying which one.
- “Community” WiFi: In no other place than an apartment dwelling have I met such giving, kind, warmhearted, untechnologically savvy neighbors.
- The Closet: Not the linen closet, not the coat closet, oh no it’s THE Closet. The one where your winter coat drapes over your Frosted Mini Wheats that are balancing atop your clean towels and your Christmas wrapping paper. Only one door to open and nothing can possibly get lost.
- Elevator Small Talk: We’ve been riding in elevators all our lives and everyone is still out of their element in these things. You’re having a nice conversation with a stranger about the fall breeze when a newbie jumps on at floor 2. Do you stop talking? Do you let the new guy chime in? Do you just run out and avoid the whole conflict altogether? It’s an ever-engaging kaleidoscope of awkward upon which I further elaborate here.
- Bathroom Cleaning: I’m down to only cleaning one toilet, one shower, one mirror, and one trash can. This is the only thing that has me considering reverting to dorm life.
- The Savings: I’ve estimated I can’t lug more than $37.42 worth of groceries up the stairs, I don’t have the closet space for more shoes, I can simply blow across the room and it cools it off the whole place, and as previously stated, I don’t have to pay for internet. Or MP3s. Or the guy who used to hang my Christmas lights.
- Maintenance: Your handy maintenance team is on call 24/7 to plunge your toilets, change your light bulbs and remove the nasty ball of your hair from the shower drain. Permission to be lazy granted.
- Neighbor Nicknames: There’s “pink yoga mat guy” and “two Pomeranian lady” and “loud laugh dude on 4 who always orders pizza.” I recently learned that I’m “girl from Chicago with cute dog.” Score!
- Bicycle Security: Neighbor being too loud? Locked out? Pizza guy peeping in your window? Never fear because there’s a friendly too-short-shorts-wearing fellow on a bicycle ready to attend to your every need.
If I’m missing anything, which I’m certain I am (although I deliberately left out stackable washer/dryers because let’s face it, they’re only ok), please fill me in.