As all good daughters will say today, my mom is the queen of all moms. She can CSI any kid crime scene in a matter of moments, she’ll throw her arm across you if she brakes too hard, she knows the importance of licking the beaters, and she always chooses Jif.
So in honor of Mother’s Day, I would like to take a moment to reflect upon all of the awesomeness Mom has brought into my life. Thanks Mom, for:
- Not naming me Steve. I know that was up in the air at one point, but I’m glad you settled on something more reasonable.
- Handing the Tooth Fairy her pink slip after she missed our house two teeth in a row.
- Searching the world over for the elusive Barbie and the Rockers doll. I know you did your best and one day we’ll find that broad on eBay just you wait.
- Supporting my 1987 “I’m never taking off this rad t-shirt with the lips on it” phase with a giant bottle of Tide.
- Throwing killer birthday parties and always writing my name on the cake in M&Ms…even when I turned 30
- Handing me a dictionary every time I swore so I could “improve my vocabulary.” Splendid stratagem.
- Teaching me at 15 that “real drivers don’t make full and complete stops at stop signs.” That hasn’t come back to haunt me once Mom. Not once.
- Laughing in 1998 when I finally told you how I REALLY broke my arm in 1990.
- Perfecting the peanut butter to jelly ratio on my sandwiches
- Never giving me a bowl cut. Can I hear an amen?
- Not visibly cringing when you visited me in Paris on my 21st birthday and my friends poured me vodka after vodka.
- Coming to my first apartment bearing toilet paper and Chef Boyardee. And to my first house. And to my second house.
- Never leaving me hanging on a high five.
- Telling me the story of how you and your siblings would always ask your parents for things when they were half asleep because they were more likely to cave. That backfired no?
- Making Grandma and I walk out of Serial Mom.
- Always believing me when I pinned something on Dad.
- Pretending not to notice when I ate all the devil’s food crumbs off the donuts.
- Instilling in me that you don’t really have to make choices when BOTH is an option. Junior Mints or Raisenettes? Greece or Turkey? Cosmopolitan or Cabernet?
- Handing me a bottle of Windex when I insisted on having a weapon nearby while I watched Unsolved Mysteries in the dark.
- Giving birth to me and stuff.
I love you Mom. Keep up the good work.