Although Christmas is clearly the most magical holiday in existence and the gluttony of Thanksgiving and Halloween is beyond compare, Easter far outranks its competitors when it comes to the sweet stuff. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups are morphed into the perfect chocolate-to-peanut-butter-ratio eggs, Peeps now come in seventeen colors, and the wonder that is the Cadbury Cream Egg can only be enjoyed this time of year (unless you live in London and then you can yank one out of any vending machine in the Tube all year round – lucky bastards).
While the other holidays attempt to play catch up with amateurish offerings like the shamrock-shaped Peep, the Easter Bunny will always remain one step ahead – because as good as the candy is, the method of obtaining it is even better. On the candy collection spectrum, Valentine’s Day and Christmas are on the lazy end, as all you have to do to acquire candy is have a sweetly sappy boyfriend and/or hang your stocking by the chimney with care; and on the labor-intensive end, is donning your winter coat over an elaborate and expensive homemade Halloween costume whilst slogging through the misty darkness begging strangers for a mini Snickers bar. The Easter egg hunt sits perfectly in the middle – the ultimate balance of mystery, merriment, and instant gratification.
The only snag in the Easter egg hunt system is that every year the hunters get older and wiser, and the Easter Bunny has to up his game to keep everyone on their toes. The hiding places of yore are now the first place to look and the egg in the Kleenex box just doesn’t cut it anymore. In case the creature with the ears won’t make it to your place this season, here’s a page from his Easter egg hunt playbook so you can host your own quest:
Always use plastic: It may seem like a waste spending all that time coloring and decorating the hard boiled variety just to hide the lesser plastic egg, but three weeks later when your couch cushions don’t smell like rotten yolk you’ll be very proud of yourself
More is more: When you think you have enough eggs, double it, and then double it again
Color coordinate: Green eggs go in the grass, pink eggs go in the flower beds, and orange eggs go under the dog because they really don’t match anything
Save some for later: Stick one up the refrigerator ice dispenser and in any other nook or cranny where you know it won’t be discovered right away. If you don’t find a purple egg when putting out your Halloween decorations you’re doing it wrong
Bait and switch: Kids and adults alike always fall for the easy prey. Toss a bunch of random eggs in plain sight to distract them from the good stuff hidden nearby
Get the good stuff: Jelly beans are the coal-in-your-stocking-apple-in-your-pumpkin-pail of Easter
So, let there be no bunny slacking this Easter. Keep the eggs full, the Peeps plentiful, and the Cadbury Cream Eggs fresh. And remember: it’s far more rewarding to chomp off a pair of bunny ears and tail than it is to decapitate poor Santa.