Last night a bunch of us got together for the sole purpose of consuming wine. And after some great conversation and five or six bottles of fabulousness from all over the world (my favorite being a tasty treat called “Cock of the Walk” from Rhode Island – which is infamous for its wine, incidentally), we decided to put on a movie to entertain us during the buzz.
After a brief 300 vs Alice in Wonderland vs Inception debate, we decide to watch “And Soon the Darkness.” The innocent-American-girls-travel-abroad-and-get-sold-into-sex-slavery schtick was much more entertaining with Liam Neeson’s ass-kicking going on in the background, but at least this version had some solid B-horror throwbacks and classic “let’s split up so we can cover more ground” dialogue.
So after just learning I’ll be traveling to Barcelona for a business trip next month and then spending a few extra days exploring more of Spain and London solo, I decided to use this movie as a “Traveling Abroad for Dummies” tutorial and have absorbed some key strategies that give me the confidence to go off on my own:
- Pay attention to ominous old people who mumble in different languages because they are absolutely telling you to not go into that jungle in a bikini you idiot.
- Steer clear of small towns where they hang pictures of missing girls as decoration.
- Never stay an extra night because that will be the night you die.
- It is difficult to hear predators approach if you wander around alone wearing an iPod.
- If while escaping from a madman you happen across a vehicle that is both conveniently unlocked and has keys in the ignition, don’t be fooled – it won’t start.
- Tie me to a mattress once – shame on you, time me to a mattress twice – shame on me.
- When you’ve finally managed to wrestle the gun out of your captor’s hands is not the time to get chatty. “Why are you doing this to me?!” This is why dumbass.
Gratefully, I’ll be turning 31 mere days before I leave for my trip, so even if I ignore the bounty of advice now emblazoned in my memory, I’m probably way too old to fetch much dinero. If I don’t return, just assume I decided to stay an extra night.