So today Matt Lauer informed me that I’m a Capricorn, and for one brief moment my world shook as hard as the day I learned my idol, Vanilli, was a fraud. First Pluto isn’t a planet and now I’m not an Aquarius? Does this mean I can no longer wear my water bearer necklace? Does this mean I’m not really curious, well-liked and passionate? This scientific mess has me beginning to question the whole gravity concept.
In fact, everyone seems to be aflutter in zodiac craziness today. It’s all over my Facebook newsfeed, Twitter, the blogosphere and news sources from CNN to TMZ. This has me in awe not about the monumental Earth shift required to cause such a change, but about the real world implications we now all face and who will benefit:
Marriage Counselors: Clear off the couch and brace yourself for the “my once compatible Cancer hubby is now a feisty Gemini and I didn’t plan for this in my prenup” conversations
Tattoos Artists: Start figuring out how to turn a ram into a fish. You’re about to become the world’s most invaluable technician
Single Men: The new awkward pause that will follow your pick up line puts you back in the driver’s seat
Chinese Restaurants: Previous horoscope die-hards will now be turning exclusively to fortune cookies to identify their lucky numbers
Ophiuchuses: Just found out your part of the new sign? No one knows a thing about you. Use the mystery to your advantage and just say “I’m an Ophiuchus” as your excuse for everything
Turns out that for me, the implications truly are minimal. I’ll simply shift my eyes down a notch on my next issue of Cosmo and the world will be in alignment once again.